Explaining your grief to family and friends

If you are struggling with your grief and having a hard time explaining your pain to friends and family, consider using this letter.  I think it will help.  Randy

Dear [Family member or Friend], 

Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.  Please do not take away my grief or try to fix my pain.  The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Please do not be afraid to cry with me.  Your tears will tell me how much you care.  Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems.  I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories.  Feel free to share your own stories of my loved ones with me.  I need to hear them.  Please understand why I try to avoid both criticism and tired clichés.  I cannot handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds; or they are in a better place; or God does not give you more than you can handle.  

Please do not try to find the “right” words to say to me.  Nothing you can say will take away my pain. What I need are hugs, not words.  Please do not push me to do things I am not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn.  This is a necessary part of my recovery.  

Please do not stop calling me.  You might think you are respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. 

Please do not expect me to be the same person as I was before.  I have been through a traumatic experience and I am a different person.  Please accept me for who I am today. 

Please pray with me and for my family and me.  Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours.  In return for your loving support, and after I have worked through my own grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend–because I have learned from the best.”

I received this letter from a friend who has also lost a child.  I wish I had access to a letter like this eighteen years ago. This well-written can do nothing but help to keep relationships strong.